so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
