Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
