Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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