I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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