i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
