I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
