youre lurking in front of me
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
