Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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