When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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