Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
