i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
