you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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