She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
