some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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