john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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