I'm going to jail i love you
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
