He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
