Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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