I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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