Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
