I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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