Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
