Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
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woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
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I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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