Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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