Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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