Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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