Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
