Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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