sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
