OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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