Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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