I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
