I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
