I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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