Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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