I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
