he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
