Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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