So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
