That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Nicole vs. Life
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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