I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
