I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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