I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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