I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
