I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
