Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
MIDGETS
????
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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