It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
you never un-have a 4some
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
