There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i think i have two assholes
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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