he thought i was a dude.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
