Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
