After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
