We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Are my feet made of real feet?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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