I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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