I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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