I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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