8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
