drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
