Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
