You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
