I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
